The Great Unknowable End

  To Susan and Lindell Ormsbee, who have always kept me looking toward the stars

  And to Rod Serling, who fearlessly walked the middle ground between light and shadow

  Admirer as I think I am

  Of stars that do not give a damn,

  I cannot, now I see them, say

  I missed one terribly all day.

  Were all stars to disappear or die,

  I should learn to look at an empty sky

  And feel its total dark sublime,

  Though this might take me a little time.

  —W. H. AUDEN, “The More Loving One”

  A letter from Craig Mercer, written May 17, 1975

  I'm leaving.

  I'm going to Red Sun.

  Sometimes you see too much of the world to want to stay in it.

  So I'm going to Red Sun, and I don't want you to contact me.

  Kansas, 1977

  1

  Galliard

  SUNDAY, JULY 31

  Mornings at Red Sun begin with prayer to the Life Force.

  Bullshit, you’re saying. You don’t actually believe in a Life Force.

  I’m telling you, I do.

  See, the Life Force can be almost anything. To you it could be God. It could be unseen energy. It could be your girlfriend or your favorite basketball player.

  To me it’s stars.

  Holly.

  Hendrix.

  Joplin.

  Those are my stars.

  I see them most nights, shining from the sky. They’re up there, three across, and have been ever since their untimely mortal deaths. They look out for me, and I pray to them.

  At Red Sun you can pray however you want. It isn’t about the how or the who so much as it is about the praying itself. Though the Life Force—the energy that has bound this universe together since its inception—can be different things to different people, what matters is that prayer is a communal act. It’s a group dedication that brings together the members of Red Sun. The only rule is that your prayer must ascend (or descend, depending) between the hours of six and eight o’clock in the morning. You can pray wherever you want: in your room or the gardens or out in the cornfields. I like to pray right here in Common House, with one hundred others.

  This morning, I’m talking to Holly. He’s the guy I go to for confidence and understanding, and I’m going to need a hell of a lot of confidence today.

  It’s Assignment Day.

  The Council is going to tell me where to go, what to do, and who to be. Corn farmer, livestock tender, meal preparer, textile worker—they’re all up for grabs. But I don’t want any of those shitty positions. There is one spot open for resident artist, and it’s going to be mine.

  It has to be mine.

  I’m begging Buddy Holly, Let it be mine.

  “Hear me out,” I pray. “This is within your jurisdiction. I know you can make it happen. If you do, I’ll be set for life. If you don’t, I’ll disembowel myself. I’m not shitting around—I will. So do me a solid and make me resident artist, and I’ll cover your songs till my dying day. Thanks, sir. Much appreciated.”

  I choose to say my prayers under my breath, though plenty of seven o’clock supplicants talk to their respective versions of the Life Force at conversational volume. Common House is thick with incense and consonants and vowels—prayers sent to God or gods or self or earth or no one in particular. Newcomers sometimes complain about the noise, but it’s a soothing sound once you get used to it.

  I’m really used to it.

  Prayer over, I lie on my back, hands behind my head. I breathe in the sweet, tongue-coating incense. I breathe out. I breathe in, lungs expanding to full capacity. I pucker my lips and blow out in a whistle.

  Here in Common House, surrounded by all these serious prayers, my tics hardly ever show up. Here I whistle intentionally, blink intentionally, move intentionally.

  But then, as always, morning prayer ends, and the day begins.

  • • •

  My friend Phoenix is standing outside Common House, eyes trained on the rising sun. I grin, because this is a sign. Phoenix is just who I need to see; he understands what today means to me.

  Phoenix was raised outside the commune. He saw everything the Outside had to offer and found it lacking. He’s heard my music, and he says there’s nothing that good on the Outside. He says I’ve got talent.

  “Hey,” I say, joining him where he stands.

  “Big day,” Phoenix replies.

  I nod, and for a moment we stand in silence, watching members of Red Sun pass by.

  “Look at them,” he says. “Moving with purpose toward their own tasks, keeping this community strong and well. Everywhere else, it’s a mad dash for nothing. People clawing at each other to get the next paycheck, next car, next model.” He turns to me, his pale face lit by the sun. “You don’t know how lucky you are to have been born here.”

  “I’ve got some idea.” Then I say, “Better go. Got somewhere important to be.”

  Phoenix pats my back. “You’re ready for this day.”

  I take this as a benediction from Buddy Holly himself.

  • • •

  There’s a hornet in the sitting room. Who knows how he got in, but he’s determined to get out through a closed window. He keeps ramming his body against the glass and letting out a pathetic buzz at every failed attempt.

  It’s making me fucking sad.

  Right now my best friend, Archer, is in the chamber with the Council. It’s only me and a girl named Bright left waiting for our assignments. My hands are clutched between my knees, and I’ve sunk my head real low as a sign that I do not want to talk. When Saff first showed us to our seats and explained the assignment procedure, I felt confident enough (thanks, Buddy). Then Bright started pestering me with questions.

  “You want to be an artist? Will you be disappointed if you don’t get it? Farming is good too, though, isn’t it? Isn’t nature beautiful? Don’t you love our land? Six hundred acres, four hundred people, and nothing but love and acceptance.”

  Bright is new to the commune, which means she’s completed the Council’s preliminary education course and been approved to live in a newly constructed residential wing of Heather House. Red Sun doesn’t turn many people away, and when we do it’s because their energy isn’t right for the community. Honestly, I don’t see how Bright passed the test, because I for one don’t find her energy appealing. She is so damn curious, which a lot of the adults find “encouraging” and “endearing,” but no. No, it is not.

  Normally, you get your first ten-year assignment when you’re sixteen, like me. Since Bright is new, though, she’s going through the process with the rest of us first-timers. I hope she gets chicken duty. Not because I wish a decade of egg collecting and shit clearing upon Bright, but because the coops are as far away from Council House as they can possibly be, and once I’m resident artist I will need lots of concentration in order to compose my life-altering ballads. There will be no Bright questions allowed.

  When the chamber door opens, I lift my head, and Archer steps out grinning, exultant. He can’t say anything—we’re not allowed to speak from the time the Council assigns us to the time we leave the building. I know he got good news, though, when he shoots me a wink. I watch him go, distracted, and it takes me a few seconds to realize Saff has said my name.

  Saff is the youngest of our three-person Council. Unlike Rod and Opal, she doesn’t have gray hair yet. Her hair is black, and it hangs long, past her shoulders, twisted into dreadlocks. She talks so quietly that I usually miss the second and third syllables of everything she says. It gets annoying fast.

  “Come in, please, Galliard,” she whispers, ushering me before he
r into the chamber. Then she motions to an empty wooden chair and says, “Sah-suh-sah-muh.”

  Not actually that. I just can’t hear her, because she’s gone ahead of me and her words are indistinguishable. I’m pretty sure she’s asked me to take a seat, so I do.

  She takes her own seat at a long table across from me. Beside her are Opal and Rod. The three of them sit before stacks of papers. Opal, founder of Red Sun, folds her hands and looks me over with a faint smile.

  “Good morning, Galliard,” she says.

  I don’t say anything. I’m supposed to keep quiet through all of this, per the Assignment Day training I went through in the spring. I’m suddenly nervous as hell, and my jaw jerks hard to the right—one of my tics.

  “You are a treasure to our community,” she continues. “It has been a joy and great privilege to watch you grow. Your spirit and mind contribute invaluably to us, and you’ve cultivated many talents that can be put to use. Our decision was therefore a difficult one.”

  Inside me, a hundred bells start clanging. My jaw jerks again.

  The Council’s decision shouldn’t have been difficult. They’ve received my request for resident artist, a spot that was vacated in February when Gregor—a skilled potter—left the commune for Kansas City. I wrote a long essay on my request form about how my talents would benefit Red Sun.

  I write my own songs. And instead of performing them on community nights at Common House, as I do now, I could perform them at the Moonglow Café, for outsiders to hear. I’ll develop a following, and I’ll find someone on the Outside to make a recording of my songs, and those records will sell, and I’ll be played on the radio, and soon the entire United States will know about Red Sun, through my music. That’s what a resident artist is supposed to do: reach as many outsiders as possible and educate them about our way of life. Because, as Rod reminds us daily, there are plenty of outsiders who don’t think we live right. Some people out there, in town, would like nothing more than to kick us off our own property. They claim we worship Satan and sell their teenagers cannabis and partake in drunken orgies. It’s a laugh. Outsiders don’t know anything.

  They could know more, though. They could understand our ways and see the path we’re on, and they could learn this through my music. That’s what I wrote the Council.

  You see now? It doesn’t make sense, what Opal’s saying about my assignment being a difficult decision.

  What’s difficult about it?

  “Galliard.” It’s Rod talking now. “We consider every assignment request with great care and attention. We don’t take lightly the fact that we are determining your future for the next ten years. We hope you know that. We appreciate your enthusiasm, but we’ve decided on another candidate for our resident artist.”

  I follow the rules. I don’t speak.

  I scream on the inside.

  And I tic again, my jaw moving forcefully to one side.

  “You didn’t mark a second preference,” says Saff in her way-too-soft voice. “However, we’ve chosen an assignment we hope you will find rewarding. We’re placing you in the Moonglow kitchen. You’re familiar with the job through your preassignment and have proved to be an asset there. And you can go on working with J. J. and Archer.”

  “Archer is a good friend of yours, Galliard, isn’t he?” asks Rod.

  “Yeah.”

  Well. Looks like I broke the no-talking rule. Might as well break it some more.

  “Sorry,” I say. “Who . . . did you choose for resident artist? If it wasn’t me, then who?”

  This is a no-no, and I know it, and the Council does too. The only thing worse than talking during the assignment process is questioning the Council’s decision. But hey, I’m mad. Who cares about rules right now?

  Saff tugs on one of her dreads, then another. She’s not making eye contact with me. Opal isn’t smiling anymore; she’s gone solemn, and she and Rod are sharing a look.

  In the end, Rod actually answers my rule-breaking question.

  “We’ve chosen Phoenix for the position. You may be aware that he has quite the skill as a painter. He shared a very impressive portfolio. We’ve already commissioned a half-dozen paintings depicting scenes of life at Red Sun. We mean to display and sell them at the café.”

  Sirens set off inside my brain, joining the screaming and bell-clanging. They wail in big, sonic spirals, and they’re so loud I can barely hear what I say next.

  “Phoenix, as in Phoenix from town. Showed up here two years ago Phoenix. That Phoenix?”

  My friend Phoenix. The Phoenix who patted my back an hour ago. That Phoenix?

  “To my knowledge, there is only one Phoenix in Red Sun,” says Rod. “You didn’t know he’d made a special reassignment petition?”

  “No. I absolutely did not.”

  Rod and Opal share another look. I’m unbearably uncomfortable, so of course another one of my tics kicks in. I clear my throat, loud and low. Only Saff looks startled. She fidgets with another one of her dreads.

  “Galliard,” says Opal, standing, “you must trust our judgment on this. We appreciate your many contributions to the commune, and we’re certain you will continue to enliven our spirits with your music. But we feel this assignment is best.”

  I clear my throat.

  I’m red in the face, and my hands are dripping sweat. I need to get out, out, out of here. So I nod and nod, and I stand up, and the rest of the Council stands up, and we’re all standing here, facing each other, and my brain screams, I hate this, and my heart screams, Phoenix is a traitor, but my lips stay closed. I don’t talk again. I just clear my damn throat.

  2

  Stella

  SUNDAY, JULY 31

  We pass a dead dog on our way home from Ferrell’s. I wouldn’t have known if Jill hadn’t cried out and pressed her finger against the window, screaming for Dad to stop the car.

  Dad brakes and shifts the station wagon into reverse until I see it: a border collie lying motionless on the side of the road.

  Blood encircles its head, forming a crimson halo and testament to a grisly end. Despite that, the collie looks peaceful, as though it’s merely lain down on its side to nap in the Sunday sun. Its eyes are closed. Its whiskers quiver in the morning breeze.

  My father turns to me, where I sit in the back seat with my little sister, and says, “I don’t want her seeing this.”

  Jill stares at me with big eyes. This is the worst thing for Dad to say, because of course now Jill must see this. She struggles against me with rabid energy as I tug at her shoulder and tell her to sit back, attempting to block her view. Jill is nine years old, the baby of our family, and she often acts the part.

  My father gets out of the car, approaches the dog, and crouches. It remains motionless—no rise and fall of its glossy black side. Cautiously, Dad feels around the body and inspects the dark stain of blood on the asphalt. Then he shakes his head. He stands, squares his shoulders, and looks around. He’s searching for a house with a car in its driveway—a house whose family isn’t at church. His gaze catches above my head, on the opposite side of the street. He motions for me and Jill to stay put, and we watch from the car as our father jogs toward a green-shuttered brick ranch. Number twenty-two, says the matching green mailbox.

  Twenty-Two Cedar Street.

  I look at the dog again. I raise a hand to my mouth.

  No, I think. That’s not possible.

  Jill is crying. She’s sniffing loudly and about to wipe her nose against her shirtsleeve. I catch her arm before she can and pull it taut, shaking my head.

  I draw her into a side hug, which she doesn’t fight. Then I press a kiss to her thin, dirty-blond hair and say, “It’s fine, Jillie. Things like this happen.”

  And they do; that’s true. Only it’s terrible timing. Jill woke this morning to find that her goldfish, Velma, had died during the night. She shook me awake and dragged me to the fishbowl in her room, where an orange, bloated body was floating atop the water.

  �
��We’re going to hold a funeral,” I told her. “In the bathroom.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “You mean you’re gonna flush her?”

  (Jill is the baby, but she’s not stupid.)

  “It’ll be a good flushing,” I said. “We’ll say nice things. And it’s Sunday, which is the perfect time for a funeral because it’s God’s day, which means he’s closer to Earth now than any other day of the week.”

  I knew this wasn’t exactly in keeping with Baptist teaching—we Mercers used to be Baptists—but the words were coming out before I could stop them, and they sounded nice. In any event, they pacified Jill, and we proceeded to flush Velma with pomp and circumstance. She received kind words, a prayer, and a firm press of the commode handle. All this before Dad woke up.

  I was proud of myself for handling the situation as well as any parent would. As well as my mother would have if she were alive. I was grateful, too, that Jill hadn’t made a big deal about it afterward or been mopey in the car. I assumed we could move past the incident with very little to-do.

  Only now here is this poor dead dog—a dog I recognize but am telling myself I do not.

  My father is talking to a woman on the front doorstep of the green-shuttered house. She is clutching a terrycloth bathrobe at the stomach, and she is shaking her head. Dad points back our way, at the dog. The woman’s head continues to shake. Then she shuts the door. Dad remains on the porch a moment longer before heading back to us. Once he is in the driver’s seat, he does not start the engine. I see the crease of his forehead in the rearview mirror.

  “Dad?” I say.

  “She said she’s never seen a collie around here. Far as she knows, no one on the block owns the dog.”

  “He must’ve got loose and run here from someplace else,” says Jill, who has stopped her sniffling. She pushes her bare feet into the back of Dad’s seat, which is something he hates but does not comment on now. He is staring ahead, through the windshield, lost in thought.

  The car is silent, though not entirely. I hear something outside. It’s the sound of a dog howling. Then another joins in, higher pitched, yipping frantically.